After the last episode’s instant replay of Ashley tumbling out of her top bunk, I thought we would at least get some slo-mo footage of Gary’s finger getting smashed between the slamming French doors. But no, we are instantly propelled out of the crime scene and into a CPR course run by — say it with me now — Captain Glenn.
Loyal readers know by now how I feel about Captain Glenn, and the fact that he just whips out this first-aid knowledge for Gary and his purple fingernail only elevates him in my mind. Captain Glenn simply knows things. I can’t do anything without Googling how. I am an indoor kid. On the other hand, Captain Glenn knows how to sail a yacht, and more impressively, he knows how to fix a fingernail bursting with blood. Examining Gary’s injury, he asserts: “You’re going to lose that nail. I’ve had that many times. What I do normally is I get a hot needle — and I get it red hot — and I poke it through and let the blood out.” Gary recoils at the thought, but mere minutes later, he and Colin, in what I can only imagine is an homage to The Parent Trap, are taking a piping hot needle and piercing it through his bruised fingernail. Gary experiences an immediate wave of relief, and Captain Glenn smiles knowingly. Special mention here to Gary’s gorgeous song/mantra/dance number that I should repeat every morning upon waking up: “Fucking hell. Just stop. Positive. Positive. Be positive, be, be, be positive. Be positive, be, be, be positive.”
This charter is easy. They go to bed at 11 p.m. and have minimal requests: no beach lunches, themed dinner parties, or clubbing excursions. Primary guest Dawn is a vegan and believes that dolphins are aliens (Google it!), but Marcos flexes his West Hollywood culinary skills and turns out dish after dish that makes the usual suspects (Crossroads, Gracias Madre) look like dumps. He elegantly shaves tofu over beetroot, turning it into a parmesan of sorts; he grills a butternut squash, transforming it into a fat tenderloin “steak”; he takes tofu again and — poof! — creates fried chicken. “Cooking is my therapy. I can get lost … for hours,” Marcos tells us. Let’s sit with that poetry for a moment!
Less poetic is Gabriela and Ashley’s boring tension. I just don’t care about them and their passive-aggressive shutdowns! And just as I predicted, Ashley attempts to throw Gabriela under the bus, and even that is a snooze! The guests hop aboard the tender for swimming and water sports and the minute Gabriela joins them with a platter of fruit, Ashley texts Daisy asking to talk. Daisy’s exasperation is tangible as Ashley launches into her saga: “The other day she’s whining about wanting to quit. She’s like, ‘I don’t trust any of you guys, and I don’t want to drink with any of you guys anymore.’” Mature mother hen Daisy shuts this squabbling down: “I don’t feel it’s fair that I’m talking to you without talking to her.” It’s obvious what Ashley is trying to do here, and it’s embarrassing (for her) that Daisy realized it and stopped it in its tracks. Ashley then realizes that Daisy isn’t in an alliance with her — she’s their boss who is sick of this shit! — and tries to cover up her snakelike behavior by adopting a sweet-girl persona and offering Daisy candy. Like? Grow up? Daisy doesn’t want Reese’s! She grew up in the U.K., and her palette is accustomed to Cadbury and shit!
Then, to make matters worse, Ashley blabs to Marcos and Colin: “She said she doesn’t want to drink with us anymore. She doesn’t trust any of us.” Please be more of a “pick me,” I’m begging you!
“I don’t really understand the competitiveness with Ashley about boys, about their jobs, about everything,” Daisy begins in her confessional. “I’m not fucking stupid; it’s about being number one.” We get a flashback of Ashley lamenting her third stew position, telling Gabriela that their differences are “obsolete.” This begs the question: Who cares? Who cares about being number one? Every position gets tipped the same! Maybe I’m too Severance-d out, but it sounds blissful, luxurious even, to be a cog in the machine, to receive and complete your silly little tasks without the burden of responsibility, without doling out assignments to your direct reports, and then checking up on those assignments!
And who cares about fighting over Gary, who clearly wants to shag Daisy? Even the boys are gossiping before bed now! Colin, all curled up and tucked in, says in a yawn to Marcos: “These girls are fucking going crazy for Gary … three weeks, and these girls are like in love with him.” Gary interrupts teatime, and Marcos gets him up to speed, “I’m talking about you right now. I’m talking about the girls in love with you.” Colin eggs him on: “So who’s it going to be?” “Daisy would be a good shag,” he answers, adamant that she’s been flirting with him despite her protests. How quickly forgotten are Ashley and Gabriela …
On the guests’ final morning, there is some minor miscommunication between Daisy (who wants to serve breakfast) and Captain Glenn (who wants to sail). Sailing prevails and the boat heels hard, sending glassware crashing and food flying. Considering Tom almost sunk the boat for real a few weeks ago, this superficial wreckage has lost its luster for me. They dock, send the guests on their way and get a fat tip ($20,000, or $2,500 each). Plus, more good news: A shiny new deckhand will be on board by the next charter.
As Kelsie says: “I hope they have a good personality and they’re a hard worker. I hope they can make me laugh. And then I hope they are hot, but that’s third on the list.” She doesn’t miss, this girl!
Someone from Bravo called and said Let’s stir it up because then Captain Glenn announces to the crew that they have tomorrow off, and he’s secured them a private villa for some R&R. Someone pops what looks like Veuve, and it appears that Gabriela is still indeed drinking with the people she distrusts. Later that evening, she and Daisy have a little heart-to-heart, and it’s clear our girl Gabriela is down bad. She confides in Daisy that she thinks she’s lost Daisy’s trust, that she doesn’t want to drag anyone else down, and that she’s just overall defeated. Daisy launches into an affirming pep talk of epic proportions. I hope this buoys Gabriela’s spirits because, judging from the looks of the next episode, she needs it.